Meaningfulness

I have had a similar conversation with a couple of people in the last week where I made comment that I was tired of "meaningful" things, and not feeling up to holiday gatherings this year.  It was one of those things you say that is not entirely premeditated, but just comes out of somewhere inside your subconscious. One person agree with me, the other looked puzzled... and I started thinking "What did I mean by that?" At the same time I have been feeling very cut off from some of the experiences that do fuel me, due to some changes in the lives of some of my closest friends. This is the closest I came to knowing my own mind:

The things other people find to be meaningful (intentional gatherings for the express purpose of ritual, relationship building, spirituality, and the like) feel forced, false and pretentious to me. In my 20's and early 30's I was craving these things, but I am in a place now where those things don't hold the meaning for me that they once did... and maybe the truth is that they never really satisfied the need I had then.

Today I crave newness: new experiences, new places, new projects, not necessarily with new people, though, and that is where I find meaningfulness attaching itself to my relationships and to my inner life.  I think that is why I am so frustrated by the loss/distance/inaccessibility of certain people. I don't crave ritual and spirituality, I crave just DOING things (that don't maybe have inherent meaning) with the people that fill my life with meaning.

SO...

Update for November and December:

November: 

• Make purchases for makeup kit.
• Paint the Front Room (And Kitchen - doing them in the same color) Charcoal & Blue
• Decorate for the Holidays 

December:

• Sew Something
• Paint The Family Room Charcoal & Orange 
• Make purchases for makeup kit. 

Augh! I'm so behind!!!

I guess this blog is becoming about how I'm doing on my "bucket list" and the answer is: not too well. SO... here's where I stand:

August 2010: 

• Purchase a variety of Foundations and Powders for my Professional Makeup Kit. Still not done
• Buy a Crochet Pattern and Supplies, and Start On It. Gave Up for now... taking it off the list.

September:

• Start Planning Jamie's 40th
• Choose Model(s), Wardrobe & Photographer for beginning of Portfolio Done, but had to postpone the shoot till, well, December or January. Personal reasons on the part of the photographer. Sigh.

October:

• Create an online portfolio  ...still waiting for photo shoot...
• Spend a Day at a Park Alone not done... probably not going to happen now until Spring.
• Read an Intelligent Book ... not done... Help! Can I borrow an intelligent book!
• Jamie's Birthday   DONE!!! And it was a tremendous success - I love when I have free reign to plan a party. I ought to do it more often. Anyone need a party-planner?!

November: 

• Audition for a Straight Show DONE AND CAST!!! Playing Flo in Joshua Judges Ruth (part of the Canton One-Acts Festival) in January.
• Paint the Front Room Aqua & Stone  ...sifting through paint chips this very evening, almost certain of the colors, just need to stick them on the wall for a couple of days to be sure.
• Decorate for the Holidays
• Begin Promoting Free-lance Makeup Full Tilt ...augh... on hold till Jan. :o(

Update on September's Goals

So, here's were I stand in regard to my Big List...

August 2010: 

• Purchase a variety of Foundations and Powders for my Professional Makeup Kit. ...Did it, and then returned them... going to try again w/ this paycheck & next.
• Buy a Crochet Pattern and Supplies, and Start On It. ...FAIL, but that's ok, I need to focus my creative energy on getting Muse Makeup off the ground.
• Paint the Dining Room Red ...DONE!

September:

• Start Planning Jamie's 40th ...In progress
• Choose Model(s), Wardrobe & Photographer for beginning of Portfolio ...In Progress
• Plan & Throw Stephen's Birthday (he hasn't had a decent one in 4 years) ...Planned for this Saturday, to be executed by Jamie (They're going to the Ren Fest)

AND looking forward:

October:

• Create an online portfolio ...Website Created, just waiting for execution of photo shoot and then I can add the photos to the site! (you can find the site here: (but it's still very much in progress, so it's nothing really to see yet) Muse Makeup Design
  
• Spend a Day at a Park Alone
• Read an Intelligent Book
• Jamie's Birthday 

So far, so good!!!!

First Day of Autumn

Just last week, as I was driving the kids to school on a rainy morning much like today, I felt a sudden twinge of excitement as I realized the time for dead plants will be upon us soon. Yes, you read correctly, I'm excited about dead plants. As much as I love Spring and Summer and can't get enough of uncomfortably hot humid weather (you're probably thinking "Dead plants? Uncomfortably hot humid weather? This woman's a freak!"), I love equally the look of early November, when the sky is overcast, the ground a bit damp, and the foliage is a combination of stark dried plants and little green things holding on with their rugged little selves to the very end when the snow finally smothers them.

Today, on the first day of Autumn, I took the long way home from my chiropractor's office and drove the slow winding route through Rouge Park on Outer Drive. Ahhh, there it was: that wet mix of dead and living. Most of the trees and much of the grass are still very green, and many wild flowers continue to thrive as well, but there are dead grasses everywhere. It looks very dreamy, since from the road the dried plants look like a blur of grey, brown and even a delicate purple. I wish I had had a camera so I could post a photo.

I never used to think this way about the fall, especially late fall, since as a Michigander it marks the  beginning of a seemingly endless march of sunless days. It wasn't until I had a little beagle who waited eagerly by my bed every morning for his 6:30 a.m. walk that I changed my view. It was during this period, when I was forced to go outside at times of the year (and day!), that I began to realize there are a lot of beautiful things I used to miss in my tradition of hibernation! Look for them this fall: at the edge of the road, in the cracks of the sidewalk, in the un-bedded flower garden... there are so many places to see the beauty of Nature in both it's hardiness and it's death at this time of year.

HAPPY FALL EVERYBODY!

My 40th Year

Today I am feeling bored, unstimulated in my mind and body, and antsy. I can think of a couple dozen things I'd rather be doing than just passing the time with a witty book and doing (or avoiding) the endless housework in my life. Just saying I'm bored makes me feel guilty because of the housework I'm avoiding, yet all the same I'm bored and avoidenceful. (Yes I made that word up.)
I am already 1/4th of the way through my 40th year, with lots of hopes and plans for the near future, but only a vague plan for some of them, SO I made a list. I don't know what to call it... I guess just a plan, but I made it, and it contains both big goals and lesser goals, and I'm going to share it. Just to make it more official.

Stuff I'm Going To Do During the Next 12 Months (which includes my 40th birthday) Because If I Don't Make A List They Won't Ever Happen And I Want Them To:

August 2010: 

• Purchase a variety of Foundations and Powders for my Professional Makeup Kit.
• Buy a Crochet Pattern and Supplies, and Start On It.
• Paint the Dining Room Red

September:

• Start Planning Jamie's 40th
• Choose Model(s), Wardrobe & Photographer for beginning of Portfolio
• Plan & Throw Stephen's Birthday (he hasn't had a decent one in 4 years)

October:

• Create an online portfolio
• Spend a Day at a Park Alone
• Read an Intelligent Book
• Jamie's Birthday

November: 

• Audition for a Straight Show
• Paint the Front Room Aqua & Stone
• Decorate for the Holidays
• Begin Promoting Free-lance Makeup Full Tilt 

December:

• Sew Something
• Paint The Family Room Stone & Orange?

January 2011:

• Go to a Museum Alone
• Plan a party for my 40th
• Paint My Bedroom Plum
• Start Saving for my Tooth Job

February:

• Sew Something
• Paint the Girls' Room
• Dental Cleaning & Consultation

March:

• See An Art Film
• Paint the Front Bathroom Aqua

April:

• Sew Something
• Paint the Kitchen Stone

May:

• My Birthday Party
• Hang Glide
• Paint the Boys' Room

June:

• Take a Summer College Course

July:

• GET MY TEETH FIXED!!!!!

I'm quitting Facebook

Well.. I ought to. I might! I tend not to be prone to addictions... except when it comes to complete obsessive time wasting. SO - I aim to "blog", rather than "status". There may be a theme even to out of this! Or not. Or I might abandon blogger.com in favor of another site like myspace again... better privacy settings.

Which brings me full-circle: Why, what with their awesome privacy settings and virtually universal subscription, doesn't Facebook have a better blog option? But then again, in order to blog there I'd have to hide everyone's status updates from myself, because I would get too distracted to form more than a blessed 5 sentence paragraph. ;o) Which is, btw, too short to consider a blog... thus becoming a status update.

Circles, I tell you. Circles!