Meaningfulness

I have had a similar conversation with a couple of people in the last week where I made comment that I was tired of "meaningful" things, and not feeling up to holiday gatherings this year.  It was one of those things you say that is not entirely premeditated, but just comes out of somewhere inside your subconscious. One person agree with me, the other looked puzzled... and I started thinking "What did I mean by that?" At the same time I have been feeling very cut off from some of the experiences that do fuel me, due to some changes in the lives of some of my closest friends. This is the closest I came to knowing my own mind:

The things other people find to be meaningful (intentional gatherings for the express purpose of ritual, relationship building, spirituality, and the like) feel forced, false and pretentious to me. In my 20's and early 30's I was craving these things, but I am in a place now where those things don't hold the meaning for me that they once did... and maybe the truth is that they never really satisfied the need I had then.

Today I crave newness: new experiences, new places, new projects, not necessarily with new people, though, and that is where I find meaningfulness attaching itself to my relationships and to my inner life.  I think that is why I am so frustrated by the loss/distance/inaccessibility of certain people. I don't crave ritual and spirituality, I crave just DOING things (that don't maybe have inherent meaning) with the people that fill my life with meaning.

SO...

Update for November and December:

November: 

• Make purchases for makeup kit.
• Paint the Front Room (And Kitchen - doing them in the same color) Charcoal & Blue
• Decorate for the Holidays 

December:

• Sew Something
• Paint The Family Room Charcoal & Orange 
• Make purchases for makeup kit. 

Augh! I'm so behind!!!

I guess this blog is becoming about how I'm doing on my "bucket list" and the answer is: not too well. SO... here's where I stand:

August 2010: 

• Purchase a variety of Foundations and Powders for my Professional Makeup Kit. Still not done
• Buy a Crochet Pattern and Supplies, and Start On It. Gave Up for now... taking it off the list.

September:

• Start Planning Jamie's 40th
• Choose Model(s), Wardrobe & Photographer for beginning of Portfolio Done, but had to postpone the shoot till, well, December or January. Personal reasons on the part of the photographer. Sigh.

October:

• Create an online portfolio  ...still waiting for photo shoot...
• Spend a Day at a Park Alone not done... probably not going to happen now until Spring.
• Read an Intelligent Book ... not done... Help! Can I borrow an intelligent book!
• Jamie's Birthday   DONE!!! And it was a tremendous success - I love when I have free reign to plan a party. I ought to do it more often. Anyone need a party-planner?!

November: 

• Audition for a Straight Show DONE AND CAST!!! Playing Flo in Joshua Judges Ruth (part of the Canton One-Acts Festival) in January.
• Paint the Front Room Aqua & Stone  ...sifting through paint chips this very evening, almost certain of the colors, just need to stick them on the wall for a couple of days to be sure.
• Decorate for the Holidays
• Begin Promoting Free-lance Makeup Full Tilt ...augh... on hold till Jan. :o(